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Champagne or Speight's? Ben Smith re-signs with All Blacks, forgets important drinking rule

Photo: Highlanders Facebook

Ben Smith released a video yesterday announcing his re-signing with New Zealand Rugby – but in the process he breached a timeless drinking law, writes Scotty Stevenson.

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All Blacks fullback Ben Smith, AKA Bender, AKA the Oracle, AKA Ben from Accounts, announced yesterday that he has re-signed with New Zealand Rugby until 2020, ending months of speculation about the 30-year old’s rugby playing future.

Smith took to Facebook and Instagram to share the news with fans, posting one teaser shot of himself sitting with a bottle of champagne and a bottle of Speight’s, in reference to the agonising decision he had to make between pre-loading on the Pride of the South or pre-loading on Fermented French grapes.

In the subsequent announcement video, intrepid Highlanders reporter Sam ‘Lashes’ Casey and Smith break the news of Smith’s decision to stay in New Zealand by cracking open a bottle of that sweet Dunedin nectar, ‘Jimmy Speight’s’.

Smith then completely duffs the sporting trivia question under the cap by claiming Isaia Toeava, not Israel Dagg, scored the first try at the 2011 Rugby World Cup.

Then he adds insult to injury by not immediately necking at least half the bottle, as tradition demands.

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Forsyth Barr Head Groundsman Brendan ‘Ox’ Eathorne, on whose hallowed turf the announcement took place, says it is an unacceptable slip up from one of Otago’s finest.

“I haven’t seen the video, but as far as I am aware, Ben Smith knows the rules as much as anyone else. You get the question wrong and you drink to the stars. Full stop,” said Eathorne from atop a John Deere tractor. “Obviously he’s given France a little too much thought if he goes and does that when trying to announce his commitment to the South.

Pressed on whether he supported Smith’s re-signing with the Highlanders in light of these fresh revelations, Eathorne remained firm. “Obviously this is like Christmas in February for Highlanders fans, but that’s still no excuse. There will have to be a second explanatory video and I will be giving him a good talking to about it.”

Marty Banks, Smith’s Highlanders teammate who has surprised everyone by getting another contract, said the team had already discussed the ‘star rule’ oversight and a full leadership committee meeting was to be convened.

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“Not only did he forget the ‘star rule’ but to get a question about Israel Dagg wrong … well, that’s pretty terrible.”

When asked to elaborate, Banks asked what that meant. He went on to say, “I’ve already set up Bender with his own recovery room, befitting such a super star player, but that would now be reviewed.”

Joe Wheeler, who has only just returned to the Highlanders alongside Richard ‘Barracuda’ Buckman following a season in the Japan Top League says this revelation is hardly news to him.

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“That doesn’t surprise me at all,” said Wheeler, after being informed of Smith’s performance. “He is known to miss the stars on a regular basis. You would think that the prodigal son of Otago should be able to nail that simple task every time, but it seems he is human after all. We will discuss this at length; you can be assured of that.”

Meanwhile, another of Smith’s team mates, Lima Sopoaga, said that the news of Smith’s re-signing has not been met with universal approval.

“Oh yeah, it’s great. He’s probably broken the bank and none of us will ever get a pay rise again,” the first five-eighth said.

Ben Smith has played 60 tests for the All Blacks and has managed to crap gold nuggets in pretty much every one of them. The poster child for gangly white guys everywhere, his decision to stay with New Zealand for another Rugby World Cup means he will be eligible to play centre for the All Blacks at the 2019 tournament.

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J
JW 17 minutes ago
Half-back depth is the flaw in 'Razor's' 4-4-4 Rugby World Cup plan

Well there’s a couple of distinctions here that are important aren’t there?


First though like I replied to Tk where does it say theres need to test vets, or proven reliable players? It is simply ‘test quality’.


Now, I have created a list that I think is test quality, so all weve got to do is upskill the missing pieces right? No. Razor might not mean to have given every player half a dozen matchs but he will want to have identified and assured himself that each individual is indeed test quality. So yes, plays like Darry and Lord may still be included in a few squads and used so he’s happy to include them as say 5th and 6th ranked locks, but that doesn’t mean he needs to go to the same level to ensure for himself the 7th and 8th ranked locks.


He might be happy basing performances off SR Finals, or organizing an AB XV match against a team like France or SA with similar locking depth (even organizing say Warner Dearns to be part of the Japan XV etc), and I’m sure they’re going to have a very large squad over in South Africa for two months.


I don’t think he is quite in the same predicament as SA to have to rest top stars. And this is obviously just goal setting, they’re supposed to be hard. As you can see by the context around this series, arbitrary targets like everyone getting some minutes are made. That could also simply be how he ensures he has met the 4. So hookers would be ticked, as he’s already used 5 at test level. If you looked at the Baabaas SA game you’d see Beehre performing like an accomplished test player, that already makes 7 locks with more than 2 full seasons to go. You take the point BA was making about Marshalls previous remarks about Razor want players to be able to play 3/4/5 different positions, that would mean if Razor was really happy with Finau at lock last week he already has 8 test quality locks as well, etc, etc.


TLDR sorry for the big reply, it’s just a goal, the teams not going to suddenly fail if he doesn’t reach it, I think theres many means and many players for him to be comfortable in getting 4 in each position. He’s obviously not going to be able to get 4 proven, hardened test players in each by then, no.

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LONG READ Half-back depth is the flaw in 'Razor's' 4-4-4 Rugby World Cup plan Half-back depth is the flaw in 'Razor's' 4-4-4 Rugby World Cup plan