Champagne or Speight's? Ben Smith re-signs with All Blacks, forgets important drinking rule

Ben Smith released a video yesterday announcing his re-signing with New Zealand Rugby – but in the process he breached a timeless drinking law, writes Scotty Stevenson.

All Blacks fullback Ben Smith, AKA Bender, AKA the Oracle, AKA Ben from Accounts, announced yesterday that he has re-signed with New Zealand Rugby until 2020, ending months of speculation about the 30-year old’s rugby playing future.

Smith took to Facebook and Instagram to share the news with fans, posting one teaser shot of himself sitting with a bottle of champagne and a bottle of Speight's, in reference to the agonising decision he had to make between pre-loading on the Pride of the South or pre-loading on Fermented French grapes.

In the subsequent announcement video, intrepid Highlanders reporter Sam ‘Lashes’ Casey and Smith break the news of Smith’s decision to stay in New Zealand by cracking open a bottle of that sweet Dunedin nectar, ‘Jimmy Speight’s’.

Smith then completely duffs the sporting trivia question under the cap by claiming Isaia Toeava, not Israel Dagg, scored the first try at the 2011 Rugby World Cup.

Then he adds insult to injury by not immediately necking at least half the bottle, as tradition demands.

Forsyth Barr Head Groundsman Brendan ‘Ox’ Eathorne, on whose hallowed turf the announcement took place, says it is an unacceptable slip up from one of Otago’s finest.

“I haven’t seen the video, but as far as I am aware, Ben Smith knows the rules as much as anyone else. You get the question wrong and you drink to the stars. Full stop,” said Eathorne from atop a John Deere tractor. “Obviously he’s given France a little too much thought if he goes and does that when trying to announce his commitment to the South.

Pressed on whether he supported Smith’s re-signing with the Highlanders in light of these fresh revelations, Eathorne remained firm. “Obviously this is like Christmas in February for Highlanders fans, but that’s still no excuse. There will have to be a second explanatory video and I will be giving him a good talking to about it.”

Marty Banks, Smith’s Highlanders teammate who has surprised everyone by getting another contract, said the team had already discussed the ‘star rule’ oversight and a full leadership committee meeting was to be convened.

“Not only did he forget the ‘star rule’ but to get a question about Israel Dagg wrong … well, that’s pretty terrible.”

When asked to elaborate, Banks asked what that meant. He went on to say, “I’ve already set up Bender with his own recovery room, befitting such a super star player, but that would now be reviewed.”

Joe Wheeler, who has only just returned to the Highlanders alongside Richard ‘Barracuda’ Buckman following a season in the Japan Top League says this revelation is hardly news to him.

“That doesn’t surprise me at all,” said Wheeler, after being informed of Smith’s performance. “He is known to miss the stars on a regular basis. You would think that the prodigal son of Otago should be able to nail that simple task every time, but it seems he is human after all. We will discuss this at length; you can be assured of that.”

Meanwhile, another of Smith’s team mates, Lima Sopoaga, said that the news of Smith’s re-signing has not been met with universal approval.

“Oh yeah, it’s great. He’s probably broken the bank and none of us will ever get a pay rise again,” the first five-eighth said.

Ben Smith has played 60 tests for the All Blacks and has managed to crap gold nuggets in pretty much every one of them. The poster child for gangly white guys everywhere, his decision to stay with New Zealand for another Rugby World Cup means he will be eligible to play centre for the All Blacks at the 2019 tournament.