Northern Edition
Select Edition
Northern Northern
Southern Southern
Global Global
New Zealand New Zealand
France France

Power Ranking the All Blacks based on Lima Sopoaga anecdotes

Former All Black and current Wasps first-five eighth Lima Sopoaga recently gave The Daily Mail the inside word on Steve Hansen’s starting side to face England this weekend.

ADVERTISEMENT

Sopoaga, a 16-Test veteran, delivered a handful of anecdotes about each player in the lineup. Naturally, we decided to rank everyone based on his assessment.

15. Rieko Ioane

Coming in at number 15, the bottom spot, is star winger Rieko Ioane. According to Sopoaga, Ioane likes to call himself ‘Swaggy Reeks’. The only thing that ‘reeks’ is that nickname.

Even worse, it’s self-appointed, which is breaking the nickname law.

14. Sonny Bill Williams

Sopoaga states that he used to skip school just to watch highlight tapes of mercurial midfielder Sonny Bill Williams.

Attending school is a legal requirement in New Zealand, so anyone instigating truancy needs to slip down our rankings.

13. Damian McKenzie

ADVERTISEMENT

The All Blacks’ electrifying fullback ‘loves Fortnite’, but sounds too emotionally invested in the video game. He can’t handle Brodie Retallick and Liam Squire turning off the TV or ‘he’ll get all sad about it!’. Tough look for the youngster.

12. Aaron Smith

It sounds like Aaron Smith spends a fair bit of time ‘taking the L’ in popular video game Fortnite. He comes in just ahead of Damian McKenzie, who is reportedly good at Fortnite.

11. Ben Smith

Sopoaga doesn’t rate Ben Smith’s golf swing, which means I can’t rate him very highly here. There are 12 Ben Smiths registered with New Zealand Golf and the lowest handicap any of them play off is a 15.4, so there is no evidence to refute Sopoaga’s claim.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Hacking our way around @steyncity_golf ??

A post shared by Ben Smith (@bensmith1100) on

ADVERTISEMENT

10. Codie Taylor

Sopoaga made note of Taylor’s ‘bromance’ with All Blacks winger Waisake Naholo. What is it with hookers thinking they are wingers?

9. Sam Whitelock

Whitelock’s assessment is pretty cut and dry. The man loves hunting and fishing, which perfectly matches his primitive on-field style and love for all the dirty work.

8. Ardie Savea

Ardie Savea ‘thinks he’s the Russell Westbrook of rugby’. Wins points for bringing back the turtleneck.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Ardie Savea (@ardiesavea) on

7. Jack Goodhue

Word that Goodhue missed a training camp to help milk cows is a fantastic call to All Blacks past. Stan Meads must be proud.

6. Owen Franks

The 104 Test prop brought a protein shake to his own wedding to ensure he didn’t get ‘hangry’. Power move.

5. Karl Tuinukuafe

Tu’inukuafe’s upper lip gets all the respect here. As Sopoaga said, ‘nice moustache’. Perhaps one of the best in All Black history.

4. Beauden Barrett

According to Sopoaga, Barrett should have his PGA tour card and be duking it out with Justin Rose and Brooks Koepka. He is ‘the man’.

3. Kieran Read

Captain Kieran reportedly spends a lot of time playing cards in hotel lobbies while relaxing. The last time I heard about professional athletes playing cards, Michael Jordan was on a plane and stakes were higher than the altitude. I’m going to imagine it’s the same type of deal with the All Blacks.

2. Brodie Retallick

Sopoaga credits the big lock for starting the All Blacks’ mullet movement.

What else is left to say. Mullets are officially BACK.

1. Liam Squire

Sopoaga’s anecdote about his former Highlanders teammate instantly shot the loose forward to the top of the rankings.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Pine swine ???

A post shared by liamsquire (@liamsquire) on

Another big hunting advocate, 39% of his Instagram posts include a dead pig (I did the math). But in the end all it took was seven magical words to seal Squire’s spot at the top of the rankings. ‘Always hooks the boys up with roasts.’

The Sultan of Swine, he’ll always have a place in my team.

In other news:

Video Spacer

ADVERTISEMENT

South Africa v Argentina | World Rugby U20 Championship | Extended Highlights

France v New Zealand | World Rugby U20 Championship | Extended Highlights

England v Wales | World Rugby U20 Championship | Extended Highlights

Tattoos & Rugby: Why are tattoos so popular with sportspeople? | Amber Schonert | Rugby Rising Locker Room Season 2

Lions Share | Episode 3

Zimbabwe vs Kenya | Rugby Africa Cup Semi Final | Full Match Replay

USA vs Spain | Men's International | Full Match Replay

Portugal vs Ireland | Men's International | Full Match Replay

Trending on RugbyPass

Comments

0 Comments
Be the first to comment...

Join free and tell us what you really think!

Sign up for free
ADVERTISEMENT

Latest Features

Comments on RugbyPass

D
DarstedlyDan 38 minutes ago
New Zealanders may not understand, but in France Test rugby is the 'B movie'

Italy have a top 14 issue too, that’s true. I doubt SA are overly pleased by that, although it’s countered somewhat by the fact they would expect to thrash them anyway, so perhaps are not that bothered.


The BIL teams are (aside from Ireland) A/B teams - still with many A team players. I would rather the England team touring Argentina be playing the ABs than this French one.


France could have reduced the complaints and the grounds for such if they had still picked the best team from those eligible/available. But they haven’t even done that. This, plus the playing of silly b@ggers with team selection over the three tests is just a big middle finger to the ABs and the NZ rugby public.


One of the key reasons this is an issue is the revenue sharing one. Home teams keep the ticket revenues. If the July tours are devalued to development larks then the crowds will not show up (why go watch teams featuring names you’ve never heard of?). This costs the SH unions. The NH unions on the other hand get the advantage of bums on seats from full strength SH teams touring in November. If the NH doesn’t want to play ball by touring full strength, then pay up and share gate receipts. That would be fair, and would reduce the grounds for complaint from the south. This has been suggested, but the NH unions want their cake and eat it too. And now, apparently, we are not even allowed to complain about it?


Finally - no one is expecting France to do things the way NZ or SA do. We oddly don’t really mind that it probably makes them less successful at RWC than they would otherwise have been. But a bit of willingness to find a solution other than “lump it, we’re French” would go a looonnng way.

75 Go to comments
TRENDING
TRENDING Huwipulotu get nod in centre as Lions name team for first Test Huwipulotu get nod in centre as Lions name first Test team