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Steve Hansen And Warren Gatland Both Hate Rugby And Maybe Life Itself
By Hayden Donnell
In sport, there are winners and losers. Joy and disappointment. But in the coaching boxes for the Welsh and All Blacks sides, there is only darkness, misery, and despair. Hayden Donnell reports.
The All Blacks cruelly trashed Wales’ dreams for the second time running on Saturday, allowing their opponents a sliver of hope before crushing it between their oversized fingers. As always, the MSM scoured every possible angle on the triumph, analysing the merits of Sam Cane, the magificence of Dane Coles, and whether the All Blacks should be scared of England. Then, as always, Chris Rattue entered, caked in the bloody viscera that spews forth from his terrible cauldron of opinions, and pronounced that the All Blacks’ victory belied “glaring problems”.
Somehow they all missed a story; one that’s been staring them in the face for two weeks. Distracted by the on-field moments of elation and frustration, nobody has investigated the Welsh and New Zealand coaching boxes’ transformations into literally the most miserable places on Earth.
Look at any given shot from the first two tests. No matter what’s happening on the pitch, the boxes emit a palpable tide of despair. This is Steve Hansen with his side up 3, 6 minutes into game one.
He looks like he’s staring into the eyes of the person he hates most in the world.
It’s the happiest he ever appears. Here Hansen considers every one of his failures at once.
Before giving up dejected, ever alone.
It’s no better in the opposing box, where Warren Gatland always looks like he’s simultaneously receiving news he’s losing his job and his wife is leaving him.
Minutes later, he appears to peer through the veil of tears at death’s bony beckoning claw.
It isn’t all down to the scoreboard. This is Gatland with his side unexpectedly in front in game two, generating a destructive tsunami of negative energy. If scientists want to find more definitive proof of the existence of dark matter, they need to look inside the Welsh coach’s mind at this moment.
A rare split screen proves both men have been infested with the gloaming.
These are not the faces of men who like rugby, or anything else in this cold, dark world. While their teams play out a tribute to human aspiration – the possibilities of the human body – they are a signpost on our road to ruin, a stark reminder of the black joke of our existence, and a haunting warning for anyone who aspires to follow them to the upper echelons of the coaching profession.
Enjoy the game tomorrow everyone!
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Latest Comments
A few comments. Firstly, I am a Bok fan and it's been a golden period for us. I hope my fellow Bok fans appreciate this time and know that it cannot last forever, so soak it all in!
The other thing to mention (and this is targeted at Welsh, English and even Aussie supporters who might be feeling somewhat dejected) is that it's easy to forget that just before Rassie Erasmus took over in 2018, the Boks were ranked 7th in the world and I had given up hope we'd ever be world beaters again.
Sport is a fickle thing and Rassie and his team have managed to get right whatever little things it takes to make a mediocre team great. I initially worried his methods might be short-lived (how many times can you raise a person's commitment by talking about his family and his love of his country as a motivator), but he seems to have found a way. After winning in 2019 on what was a very simple game plan, he has taken things up ever year - amazing work which has to be applauded! (Dankie Rassie! Ons wardeer wat jy vir die ondersteuners en die land doen!) (Google translate if you don't understand Afrikaans! 😁)
I don't think people outside South Africa fully comprehend the enormity of the impact seeing black and white, English, Afrikaans and Xhosa and all the other hues playing together does for the country's sense of unity. It's pure joy and happiness.
This autumn tour has been a bit frustrating in that the Boks have won, but never all that convincingly. On the one hand, I'd like to have seen more decisive victories, BUT what Rassie has done is expose a huge number of players to test rugby, whilst also diversifying the way the Boks play (Tony Brown's influence).
This change of both style and personnel has resulted in a lack of cohesion at times and we've lost some of the control, whereas had we been playing our more traditional style, that wouldn't happen. This is partially attributable to the fact that you cannot play Tony Brown's expansive game whilst also having 3 players available at every contact point to clear the defence off the ball. I have enjoyed seeing the Boks play a more exciting, less attritional game, which is a boring, albeit effective spectacle. So, I am happy to be patient, because the end justifies the means (and I trust Rassie!). Hopefully all these players we are blooding will give us incredible options for substitutions come next year's Rugby Championship and of course, the big prize in 2027.
Last point! The game of rugby has never been as exciting as it is now. Any of Ireland, New Zealand, South Africa, France, Argentina, Scotland, England & Australia can beat one another. South Africa may be ranked #1, but I wouldn't bet my house in them beating France or New Zealand, and we saw Argentina beating both South Africa and New Zealand this year! That's wonderful for the game and makes the victories we do get all the sweeter. Each win is 100% earned. Long may it last!
Sorry for the long post! 🏉🌍
Go to commentsWouldn’t mind seeing that grounding in slow mo there. Too much to ask?
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