The Rugby Pass Hall Of Fame Welcomes: Chris Ashton

Scotty Stevenson inducts Saracens winger Chris Ashton as the inaugural member of the Rugby Pass Hall of Fame.

Talk to any coach and they will tell you the same thing: the one quality you can’t teach a player is hunger, and Chris Ashton may be the hungriest player in the entire world right now.

Not satisfied with simply chewing up the running metres for his Saracens side, Ashton distinguished himself this week by trying to chew up Northampton prop forward Alex Waller.

Supporters of Ashton claim Waller may have been at fault, putting such a juicy, wrist-sized piece of man flesh near Ashton’s mouth in the first place. Surely no man can resist the sweet, sweaty scent of a front row forward’s meaty mitt. Others have argued that Ashton is just a notorious bad-tempered battler who may well be emotionally stunted.

What is beyond doubt is that Ashton will be banned for 13 weeks (pending appeal) which, when added to his 10-week ban last year for trying to rip Luke Marshall’s eyes out means by the end of this latest judicial sentence the former England winger will have spend the best part of half a year having a good long look at himself.

In fairness, there are plenty of high profile rugby folk lining up to support the man dubbed ‘the Luis Suarez of Rugby’ by the Drew Mitchell of rugby, Drew Mitchell.

Former World Cup winning England coach and the man who oversaw the most disastrous British and Irish Lions tour in recent memory, Sir Clive Woodward, has demanded his followers get in behind Ashton, unless they are in a queue for the buffet, in which case they should always – ALWAYS – get in front of him.

Woodward, speaking to reporters, made a great case for Ashton, comparing him to convicted drunk driver Danny Cipriani. Like Cirpriani, Woodward believes Ashton to be “a big England rugby talent right in the middle of what should be the best seasons of his career.” Which is another way of saying, he’s a good player so if he needs a snack in the middle of the match, just let him hoe into it.

Saracens have not yet confirmed whether they will appeal the sentence, possibly because the close up photo of Ashton sinking his teeth into Waller’s wrist was a fairly conclusive piece of evidence. Even so, the judiciary took the best part of 800 earth years to reach a verdict. They eventually said the bite was at the lower end of the spectrum. The spectrum of what? A Hannibal Lecter dinner party? Speaking of which, a dinner break may have been taken, just to be on the safe side.

In his defence, Ashton claimed Waller intentionally lodged his wrist in Ashton’s mouth, in much the same way that fried chicken materialises in my passenger seat every time I go past a KFC. It was at this point Ashton’s lawyer may or may not have advised Ashton to lodge his own wrist in his mouth and keep it there for the remainder of the proceedings. Ashton’s side of the story did not convince the judicial panel. You could say he couldn’t get a bite out of them.

While the likes of Clive Woodward have offered to put an arm around Ashton’s shoulder (and surely some caution is advised here) others, such as his former Northampton skipper Tom Wood, have been less sympathetic. Wood offered this character reference in the wake of the suspension: “I’m not surprised”.

One pundit spoken to during our hall of fame induction deliberations today suggested that after nine seasons of professional rugby in which Ashton has had limited success tackling with his arms, he was simply looking for a way to take a more secure grip on the attacking player. It is a perhaps a more plausible excuse than being forcefed morsels of prop crackling.

Issues? Oh yes, he has issues. But there is no denying Ashton’s penchant for prop kebabs has given the premiership the kind of publicity boost they could only dream of, and Ashton now has the opportunity to redeem himself. Again. Or go cruising with Danny Cipriani.

Maybe Eddie Jones will throw Ashton a lifeline ahead of the Six Nations. He has, after all, scored 11 international tries in 11 different tests. More importantly, England has gone on to win 10 of those 11 tests. Maybe he is a lucky charm.

So here’s to Chris Ashton; our league-converted, completely misguided, gentle oral appreciator of the hairy man arm; our first inductee of the Rugby Pass Hall of Fame.